of course you miss (2021)

A piece about the phenomenon of someone loving you as an act of validation for themselves. I make people feel good. It’s actually a really annoying talent, but I make people feel seen and validated. I’ve heard it described as making people feel at home. My mishandling of this talent has led to a handful of friendships and relationships that evolved into something quite self- serving, a type of love that seems to feed off of a host, instead of the type that fills a cup. I couldn’t help but ignore the parallels between the people who treated me this way and certain members of our congregation. They treated their relationship with God as a performance, their ‘love for the Lord’ behaved as the driving force of their entire egos. It was clear to me that had nothing to do with God at all. Religious trauma, interpersonal trauma, it’s really all the same.